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JokesLet’s laugh a bit, it’s good for the soul.

Jong Jannie is ‘n fanatiese Blou Bul ‘supporter’ en dis weer ‘n wedsrtyd tussen die Bulls en die Stormers.
Hy gaan Loftus toe en neem sy plek in op die mees gesogte en duurste seisoenkaarjie sitplek….. op die hoofpaviljoen en regoor die middellyn.
Hy sit langs ‘n man wat baie nuuskierig vra:
“Boetman, maar jy is darem baie bevoorreg om hier te kan sit en sê my, by wie kry jy die kaartjie?”
Jannie: “By my pa oom.”
Man: “En waar is jou pa?”
Jannie: “By die huis oom.”
Man: “Hoekom?”
Jannie: “Ek dink hy soek sy kaartjie.”

 

*******************

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. 5’11” tall, beautiful blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.  She said ‘Hi’, and I said ‘Hi’ in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

‘So, does that make you feel good ?’ she asked.  ‘I’ll bet you feel good,’ she continued. ‘In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before.’

‘Well, I have,’ I corrected her. ‘You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.’

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

‘How do you feel now,’ she purred.
‘OK’ I replied.
Again, she said, ‘I’ll bet you do. In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt THIS good before!’

Unbelievably I heard myself saying ‘Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds ’til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

“Ahhh….” she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !

She whispered, ‘Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect poes?’

‘I certainly have,’ I answered, ‘I missed the kick.’

 

*****************

Breaking News from Springbok Change room, Morne Steyn kicked the wall in frustration but missed!

 

*****************

Nog senter probleme vir Heyneke…Wynand Olivier kan ook nie Saterdag speel nie…hy is glo n strooimeisie op Frans Steyn se troue..

 

*****************

The Springbok match 22 has been selected to face England in the first test in Durban on Saturday. Here’s a list of the 22, along with comments made by some past Springbok coaches.

15. ZANE KIRCHNER

  • Jake White:  “Lambie is very unlucky not to make the starting team. Big call from Heyneke.”
  • Nick Mallett: “Bad selection. He tries to join the backline too much, he can’t kick with his left foot and he clearly doesn’t use Lambie’s shampoo enough.”
  • Andre Markgraaf: “I hate him.”
  • Peter de Villiers: “Most of us were expecting him to pick Lambie, but it seems Heyneke has pulled a bull out of a hat. But Heyneke must be careful, because pulling a bull out of a hat is not magic. That is why God made rabbits.”

14. JP Pietersen

  • White: “Has been the classiest, most consistent right wing in the country for years.”
  • Mallett: “Bad selection. He’s been playing at centre too much this year, he doesn’t communicate enough and sometimes he wears coloured boots that puts his teammates off”.
  • Markgraaf: “I hate him.”
  • De Villiers: “Hopefully he’ll get some ball that will enable him to attack, because attack is the best form of defence. Except tackling, of course. That’s much better defence.”

13. JEAN DE VILLIERS (Captain)

  • White: “Was one of my most trusted senior players and he fully deserves to be captain.”
  • Mallett: “Too much of a maverick to be captain and even though I haven’t seen him play outside centre for 10 years, I know he’s too slow for the position.”
  • Markgraaf: “I like him.”
  • De Villiers: “I’m happy for him. He has the same surname as me and people often ask if we are related. That makes Jean laugh. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m much shorter than he is.”

12. FRANCOIS STEYN

  • White: “Heyneke’s just copying my World Cup selection.”
  • Mallett: “Bad selection. What if he tries one of those huge drop kicks that hits the post, bounces back so far it lands in our 22 and puts us under pressure? Liability.”
  • Markgraaf: “I like him.”
  • De Villiers: “We had our differences when he wanted to stay in France. I told him that if God wanted us to live in France, why can you buy croissants at Checkers on a Sunday?”

11. BRYAN HABANA

  • White: “I taught him everything he knows about wing play.”
  • Mallett: “His peripheral vision is not up to scratch, he doesn’t cover his fullback on defence and he eats too many carbohydrates on match day.”
  • Markgraaf: “I hate him. Wait…I like him. Wait…ag, I don’t know. They must bring back the Race Classification Council because some of these ohs are bladdy confusing.”
  • De Villiers: “People have been critical of him in the past because they expect so much of him. I told him not to worry, because people also expected us to win the World Cup, and look how that turned out. It just goes to show that sometimes people are wrong.”

10. MORNE STEYN

  • White: “He’s been playing well and has a history of kicking well under pressure.”
  • Mallett: “His defence is shocking, his distribution’s appalling  and I’ll bet that if you tell him his faults, he’ll cry just like Gaffie did.”
  • Andre Markgraaf has been forcibly removed due to his inappropriate outbursts
  • De Villiers: “People say that the way he plays isn’t pretty. But beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes right down to the bone.”

9. FRANCOIS HOUGAARD

  • White: “Can’t find any fault with his play.”
  • Mallett: “I can. His box kicks aren’t effective enough. One day he’s going to drop the ball during one of his ’swallow dives’ over the tryline. Too many tattoos.”
  • De Villiers: “Has had to bide his time, but good things come to those who wait, and if you wait long enough for delivery, the pizza will be free.”

8. PIERRE SPIES

  • White: “Magnificent athlete.”
  • Mallett: “His tackling is weak, his running with the ball is mindless and he gets homesick.”
  • De Villiers: “I treated him like a bull in a china shop. He didn’t understand why we were talking about Bulls in China when he wants to talk about the Bulls playing in Japan. He has a lot to learn.”

7. WILLEM ALBERTS

  • White: “Has all the attributes fill the void left by Juan Smith.”
  • Mallett: “He’s too slow, he doesn’t link with the backs and the players don’t know whether to speak English or Afrikaans to him.”
  • De Villiers: “He was disappointed that I kept picking Schalk Burger ahead of him. I told him that if he wanted to play in a Springbok team without Schalk in it, then he better buy a tutu and play in a ballerina outfit. Then he understood, and told me that he didn’t like the Bulls away strip either.”

6. MARCELL COETZEE

  • White: “Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Who’s the other flank? I was too busy asking Heinrich to fetch me a beer.”
  • Mallett: “Earlier I said he would be my pick, but it’s different now that he’s actually been picked. Bad selection.”
  • De Villiers: “Heinrich is very unlucky. That’s the way the ball bounces sometimes. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it doesn’t make the ball rounder. That’s why he’s been dropped.”

5. JUANDRE KRUGER

  • White: “I hope they’ve updated the line-out calls. ‘Een, twee, drie, Victor!’ isn’t going to work any more.”
  • Mallett: “Doesn’t do enough in the tight loose, isn’t strong enough in the scrums and he doesn’t understand why South Africa has three capital cities.”
  • De Villiers: “On debut, you must put your hand up and come to the party. The coach must tell him that even if the fans are expecting him to turn water into wine, he must relax because everyone’s drinking Powerade.”

4. EBEN ETZEBETH

  • White: “Awesome physical power.”
  • Mallett: “It’s wrong to have two locks on debut. His work at the line-outs is weak and he’s too young to remember when I was coach.”
  • De Villiers: “He’s a huge lock, like the tower of Babel, which is why the coach must speak different languages to him. At first you speak English, and he’ll understand. Then you speak Afrikaans, and he’ll understand. Then you speak to him in Xhosa, and then he won’t understand. That’s when you say ‘That is why I am the coach.’.”

3. JANNIE DU PLESSIS

  • White: “I only picked tighthead props with initials instead of first names.”
  • Mallett: “His discipline is poor, he should get murdered at the scrums and there’s a risk he’ll undermine the team doctor.”
  • De Villiers: “I used to tell him that even though he’s a doctor, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have a headache, then laughter is just a moersa lotta kak.”

2. BISMARCK DU PLESSIS (VICE-CAPTAIN)

  • White: “They should have brought back John Smit.”
  • Mallett: “Him and his brother are a 5-penalty package. I would never have picked a hooker with such bad discipline. James Dalton was a saint.”
  • De Villiers: “He would always get upset that I didn’t start him. I told him that there’s no difference between starting and being on the bench, except that starting feels better. It didn’t cheer him up.”

1. TENDAI ‘BEAST’ MTAWARIRA

  • White: “On track to being the new Os.”
  • Mallett: “He’s not lifting his jumpers at the kick-offs properly. He’s doing it just to show off his strength to the crowd. When the crowd shouts his name it makes me jealous…I mean, it makes the players jealous.”
  • De Villiers: “He was always my first name on the teamsheet, because I started the team with ‘Number 1′.”

RESERVES:

16. ADRIAAN STRAUSS
17. COENIE OOSTHUIZEN
18. FLIP VAN DER MERWE
19. KEEGAN DANIEL
20. RUAN PIENAAR
21. PATRICK LAMBIE
22. WYNAND OLIVIER

  • White: “Well, I hope he’s got the team right. If he hasn’t and we lose the series, I’d like to coach South Africa again. If he gets it wrong and they give England a hiding, I would like to coach England. We’ll see, because I’d also like to coach Australia, but my loyalty is with the Brumbies.”
  • Mallett: “There’s not enough positions covered on the bench. Wait, I’m getting an sms from Andre Markgraaf… it says ‘I like the whole bench.’”
  • De Villiers: “It’s not the team I expected. Fool me once, and shame on me, but if the little boy who cried wolf leads the horse to water, I shall not drink. For I am not a sheep. I am the walrus.”

29 Responses to The Rugby Jokes thread

  • 1

    The Kings.

    End of jokes.

  • 2

    Oregan Hoskens walks into a bar with a frog on top of his head.

    The barman looks upa nd asks “And that?”

    In a flash the FROG replies, “I was born with a wart on my arse, and this thing just grew out of it!”

  • 3

    BBC Sport: England 67-3 Romania

    Not sure if that’s a rugby score or life expectancy.

    ————

    An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub …

    … to watch Wales play in the semi-finals of the Rugby World Cup.
    ————

    Being a Scottish rugby fan is a lot like being in the Fritzl’s basement.

    Every time you see a glimmer of light, you get fucked.
    ——————–

    England rugby player Danny Care had been charged with driving under the influence of alcohol

    Disgraceful behaviour from a professional sportsman. England’s drinking team needs to crack down hard on its rugby problem.

    ———————–

    I tried to pay a hooker for sex last night but ended up getting the shit kicked out of me.

    Lesson learnt. Rugby players don’t take it up the arse like American Footballers do.

  • 4

    My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

    After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my piss and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.

    So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

  • 5

    A young blonde woman (lets call her tripples … she’s blonde, she’s a bull … so why not? :grin: )is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

  • 6

    #5
    i fear i’m gonna be next!! Sad

  • 7

    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

  • 8

    Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

  • 9

    A Bulls mad guy gets up every morning, sings Liefling at the top of his voice and runs around the garden reciting the name of every player in the current squad for 15 minutes dressed in only his jocks, his Bulls jersey and his safety helmet with the horns attached before going inside to eat his cereal.

    One morning when he’s eating the cereal his wife says to him, “You know, I think you love the Bulls more than you love me.”

    He looks up slowly from his bowl, stares at her for a moment and replies, “I love Western Province more than I love you!”

  • 10

    to help you f*ckers out with valentine’s day looming (yes, i know you’ve actually forgotten about it, nê?) so heres a few rhymes you can use to spice up the evening!!

    Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
    Of loving beauty you float with grace
    If only you could hide your face.

    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
    This describes everything you are not.

    I want to feel your sweet embrace
    But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

    I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
    Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my life.

    I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That’s why I always wake up screaming.

    My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

    My feelings for you no words can tell
    Except for maybe “Go To Hell”.

    What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

  • 11

    A baby seal walks into a club….

  • 12

    @ Ashley:
    1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15, y0u r34||y n33d 70 637 |41d

  • 13

    bliksem @ 12
    Sick

  • 14

    “I went to a karaoke bar last night that didn’t play any Seventies music. At first I was afraid. I was petrified.”

  • 15

    Beer:
    Take pure spring water.
    The finest grains.
    The richest ingredients.
    And then run them through a horse

  • 16

    bliksem @ 15
    Overjoy

  • 17

    Die Suid Afrikaanse Rugby Unie (SARU) se kwotas vereis dat die Blou Bulle een keer elke 5 jaar terug staan so dat die minder bevoorregte unies kans kry om in die eindstryd te speel.

  • 18

    Ouers skei en hulle baklei by wie Jannie moet bly. Dit raak egter so erg dat die hof eerder vir Jannie vra.
    Hof: “Wil jy by jou ma bly?”
    Jannie se nee sy gee my 3 keer n week pak slae
    Hof: “wil jy dan by jou pa bly?”
    Jannie se nee hy gee my 4 keer n dag pak slae
    Hof: “Nou Jannie, waar wil jy bly?”
    Ek wil by die Lions gaan bly want hulle kry net elke saterdag pak slae

  • 19

    Kevin Rudd, Eerste minister van Australië , word een oggend 4:00 wakker gebel:

    “Kevin, dit is die minister van gesondheid hier, ek is regtig jammer om jou nou te pla maar ons het ‘n noodtoestand hier. Ek het sopas gehoor die Durex fabriek in Sydney het afgebrand. Daar word beraam die hele voorraad kondome in Australia sal op wees binne 7 dae.

    Kevin: ”Fokkit!! Die ekonomie sal nooit al die nuwe babas kan hanteer nie, ons nasie sal in ‘n depressie verval”
    Minister van gesondheid:”Ons sal maar kondome moet invoer vanaf Brittanje?”
    Kevin: “Geen manier nie, die Rooinekke sal ons nooit die einde hiervan laat hoor”
    Minister van gesondheid:”Wat van Suid-Afrika?”
    Kevin:”Goed, ek bel hulle nou en vra vir 10 miljoen kondome, 40 cm lank en 15 cm dik. So sal hulle aanhou om die wallabies te respekteer!’

    3 Dae later daag die houer om kondome op vanaf SA en Kevin word gevra om die eerste boks uit die skeepshouer oop te maak.

    Die boks lewer 40 cm lank en 15 cm dik kondome op, groen en goud gekleur en op elkeen staan daar geskryf
    “Made in: South Africa – SIZE: Small”

  • 20

    Wetenskaplikes beweer dat ‘n Blou Bul ook sy stert kan afgooi, net soos ‘n geitjie. Maar hulle kon dit egter nie bewys nie want ‘n Blou Bul skrik vir F*KK*L.

  • 21

    Hoe versuip jy ‘n WP ondersteuner? Jy wag tot die bliksem water drink, dan klap jy die toilet deksel toe!

  • 23

    xkreniwp @ 21
    Delighted

  • 24

    xkreni @ 21
    gou daai een vi my facebook status geleen. nou ga van daai cape maori vrinne van my weer moan, lmk

  • 25

    @ Ashley: Hahaha!! Laat ek raai? Hoe versuip jy ‘n Blou Bul?

    Wink

  • 26

    @ Ashley: Dit sal help as ek jou sin klaar lees nê… Nou het ek vir jou ‘n k*k idee gegee… Hahaha!

    Ssshh

  • 27

    @ Ashley: GBS gaan my seker uit k*k, maar hier is ‘n hele paar vir jou facebook:

    http://www.voelmyhoring.com/vinnige-braai-grappe/

  • 28

    xkreni @ 27
    thanks

    @25
    te laat, lol. dit was my comment op my status!! Delighted

  • 29

    @ Ashley: LMGA! Ja-nee… so gedink… Lekker naweek julle

    Beer

    Go BUU*hik*LLLEEE!!



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